Thursday, November 10, 2005

Another day in the neighborhood

So I've finally done it... I've become one of those people.

I guess it's because I believe that no matter how you feel, no matter how bad things have gotten, no matter how alone you think you are, there is always someone out there that will understand. Maybe a nameless, faceless person. Maybe a person that never comments or makes contact. Maybe they just read your entry and sip their coffee and think to themselves "Yes! I know exactly how you feel!" And maybe just knowing that makes it all seem a little easier.

I used to wish that my life would get just a little easier. I'm a single parent, I work full time in a very demanding job, and for the last decade or so I and my mother have juggled the care of my father. He was a wonderful, intelligent, proud man that was brought to his knees by 3 heart attacks, a heart transplant, renal failure, diabetes, and a host of other issues. For years I cried myself to sleep at night wondering if he would be alive in the morning. Watching him suffer, day by day, watching him diminish a little more every week was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I used to think to myself, "it's supposed to be hard. But does it have to be this hard?" I just wanted a little break. Just one nap where I didn't wake up frantically watching for movement on his chest. Just one.

He died peacefully in August, and all of a sudden life got easier. Go figure. I miss him and mourn his loss everyday, but will carry with me the lessons in courage he taught me for a lifetime.

All of a sudden I have to find a new normal. I have to make a life for my son and I that does not revolve around illness. I started this blog to chronicle my adventures as I learn to live life all over again. Wish me luck!


Blogger Queen of Spain said...

Good luck. And enjoy blogging. I only started a few months ago and have found a whole new wonderful community of people! You won't regeret it.

2:57 PM  

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