Friday, November 11, 2005

Taking stock...

Just as it is important to take stock of what supplies are available to you before you embark on a trip, it is (I think) equally important to do the same prior to embarking on a new personal adventure. So let's see...

Education - check. Have a couple of Bachelor's degrees and a Master's. In theory I should be educated enough to find a job that will meet my needs. Hell, gauging by the nice reminders that the student loan people send me, I should qualify to be the next American Emperor! Hmmm.... I wonder what that job entails?... Okay, what's next?...

Finances - Could be worse I guess. No real bills to speak of (ignoring of course the 65K owed to the student loan people), the car has about 70k miles on it and is paid off (finally). I plan on driving it until the wheels fall off, pray that it doesn't happen for a while though. No credit card debt, thank God. I learned that lesson young! Evil! Anyway, back on topic... Have no savings plan besides 401K. Gotta work on that...

Personal - I finally took the time to actually stop and look in the mirror this morning. Damn, I wish I hadn't! Okay, called the Salon and begged for an appointment. In exchange for my first born they promised to work me in today. Thank God! How has it escaped my notice that I haven't had a haircut in 6 months? A color touch up in 8 months? Tim (my stylist) is gonna kill me. Shit. This means I'm gonna have to be extra nice and beg him not to some strange shit to it like color it red. I'm Italian. I've got dark brown hair, olive skin, and green eyes. Red is striking but makes me look a little too vampish for my current job. Anyway, gotta remember to stop by the mall and pick up something nice to pacify Tim. I swear, if he wasn't the best in the region I wouldn't put up with him! Hopefully by my next post I will be happily waxed, cut, and colored back into something that resembles myself.

Speaking of resembling myself, how in the hell have I not noticed that I have put on about 60 lbs? Shit! I quit smoking and coffee (all caffeine) last March (yes, at the same time) after about 12 years of faithful servitude to both. Within a month dad took another nose dive and we began to embrace the concept of diapers. Yay. Anyway, I think at least half of it has been put on since then. The rest I credit to late night surveillance and sitting on my ass in my car for hours and hours at a time. Okay, Weight Watchers here I come. Crap, have I mentioned how much I HATE deeding? I wonder how long this will take? Size 14 to size 5... fuck. I must have been worse off mentally than I thought I was to not have noticed how bad things had gotten. Oh well, today's a new day, right?
Hmmm... Let's see... Oh!

Sex - Nope. I've been seeing TV guy for about 4 years now, but last Christmas told him that I thought that we wanted different things out of life. He's a great guy, but not ready to really grow up (he's 36). Anyway, he begged for time to prove that he was, and I gave him until June (6 months). June came and found us sitting in a restaurant having the same conversation all over again. I told him that I was through waiting. He cried. I got pissed. Anyway, about that same time mom and I found out that dad had only a few months left to live. TV guy has always been my friend (he really is a terrific person, just not husband/father material) and he was there. Not in the physical sense of the word, I have more sense than that thank God, but emotionally. Sort of. I don't know, all I do know is that I thought that we had come to an understanding that our "relationship" was over. I apparently was alone in this thought because a couple of months later, just prior to dad's passing, TV guy sat across from me in the car one night and asked me if "we were okay". I asked what he meant and he said "well, I mean, it's been forever since we had sex. I understand that you have a ton of stuff on you right now with your father, I just wanted to make sure that that was all it is". It was all I could do to just stare at him. I probably should have had that conversation with him again, but honestly I was just too tired. And yeah, I get that there is some passive aggressive manipulation going on there, and no, I haven't given a shit enough about it to actually DO anything about it. The problem is, I actually enjoy his company. I'm afraid that I'll have to choose between all or nothing, and I know that I will choose nothing if he backs me into a corner. I'm just not mentally prepared to lose anyone else right now. Chicken...

Sigh... Anyway, I've also developed a wonderful friendship over the last year with Agent C. He lives a couple of states away now, but we have been emailing regularly for about a year. I think the strange thing about this situation is that I never really paid him any notice when he was here. I didn't know him well enough. Since then I have come to find that he and I are very much the same people. We deal with life in the same ways, and while I have never told him as much, there were several nights that I got an email from him that saved me. Probably literally. I made it a point to try not to talk about what dad was going through (too personal) but he always seemed to know when I was at the end of my rope. He more times than I can stand to think about, seemed to know exactly what to say to reel me back in. I've developed a crush on this guy, but have no idea if I even would like him if I had to see him on a day to day basis. I swear, I feel like I'm in high school all over again. When did I become so pathetic? Anyway, it's just as well. I don't plan on having sex again until I can stand to look at myself in the mirror, and it looks like that's gonna be a while. I wonder how much Energizer stock is...

Anyway, I'm beginning to wonder if taking stock is such a good idea. It's beginning to put me in a pissy mood. Grrr...

Okay, in for a penny, in for a pound, right?

Employment - I investigate. The how and for who part are not appropriate for blogging. I have a badge, I have a job that requires that I talk to people. I have a job that bores me to tears and pays about half as much as I should be making. I've taken a preliminary offer from one of the larger agencies but don't know where they will want to put me. That will depend on whether I take the job. I just want a job that gives me enough money to live without being evicted every month.

That brings me to where I live. When I got divorced at the ripe old age of 22, I took my son (then about a year old) and moved back in with my parents. The plan was to get back into college and find an apartment. Dad took a turn for the worse about that time and mom and I struck a deal. She would watch my son, The Brain, so I could take classes at night. In exchange, I would help her take care of dad. There were many days that The Brain came to work with me during the day, and class at night, but overall, the arrangement worked out. My son's father went off the deep end while in the Air Force, so I couldn't get help from that corner. Dad filled the much needed male role in The Brain's life, and gave him someone to dote on. It worked. Every year dad declined a little more. Each Christmas for the last 6 years we were convinced that that one would be our last one with him. As things declined, the thought of moving became ridiculous. The Brain grew up and began helping to care for dad. It was all he knew, and several doctor's told me that there would be no lasting damage to his psyche as a result of this exposure.

So here we are. Dad died August 1st, The Brain is already in school here. We have to stay where we are until at least the end of the school year. My mother and I have gotten along without incident since I moved in, largely because our total focus has been on keeping the house running. We have had a common cause and a common goal. Now that that is gone it is time for The Brain and I to move on.

So... gotta change jobs, relationships, eating habits, hair, and probably cities. Shit. I knew I never should have started this list!

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