Thursday, November 17, 2005

Life is in the details

I've always believed that life is only as complicated as we make it. I think that as humans we like to get tied up in the details and often forget to look at the big picture. Details are messy and emotional and time consuming. Too bad there isn't an off switch in my brain that would allow me to forget about them for a while.

TV guy and I had yet another conversation last night, and I imagine like most of our conversations, we both left feeling like we had come to some sort of agreement on where things are between us (which probably only means that we once again left thinking different things).

I should care more that ours is an unusual arrangement: date other people but remain close friends. I'm just arrogant enough that I genuinely don't get what the problem with this is. I mean, I want him to be happy, I think that he wants me to be happy... so what's the big deal? We're grown up's right?

I guess the big deal has its root in the fact that everyone else isn't necessarily as enlightened. When I went with him to the TV station last night I hung out in the director/producers booth while he directed the show. I've been doing this for years, even before he and I met, and have developed friendships with many of the employees there. I guess it was because of this that it never occurred to me that things might be awkward. As it turns out I didn't even notice that Cindy was in there until about half way through the show. After I did I figured that I never paid her any attention before, so why break with tradition. I guess I was just oblivious to the undercurrents in the room. I guess I should start making an effort to place her on my radar, for his sake if for no other reason.

I get the impression that there may be some who believe that there is a sort of competition going on between her and me. That isn't the case at all… at least not for me. She and I are apples and oranges, there simply is no comparison. There may be more to her than just a piece of ass, but she has never made any attempt to show it if it's there. Frankly, I've never felt that she was worth the effort to dig deeper. I don't know, maybe I'm just tired. I’ve been there, done that, it’s rarely worth the trouble.

I told TV guy last night that if he feels that there is more there and wants to dig for it, than he should. I make judgments for myself, no one else. I commend him for wanting to make that effort; I just hope that he doesn't get burned in the process.

It does concern me that it appears that their physical relationship is moving as rapidly as it is. If she follows what I believe to be her pattern, she will prove herself to be the aggressor in this area. I can't help but feel that if TV guy just stopped to think for a second he'd realize that the vow of celibacy that she has claimed to have taken, the number of men she has claimed to have been with, and the story that she has told him do not make sense when weighed against her actions towards him, and other stories that have been told about things that she has done. Oh well. Live and learn.

I'm amazed that he seems to believe that none of this is hard for me. Of course it is. I've just recently lost the most important man in my life. Losing the security of our relationship (such as it was) is a double blow. It was a mutual decision that took root over a year ago but only acted on until now. Of course this hard. I am making it a point to not talk to Agent C right now, using people has never been my style, and I am in no frame of mind to make decisions. He will keep for a while.

I am trying like hell to do the right thing here. I hope that eventually this will get easier and count for something.

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