Thursday, November 24, 2005


Thanksgiving in my family has always been a loud, chaotic affair. Mom always started cooking and planning at least three days in advance, and the house has always been filled with laughter, wonderful smells, and just a little bit of craziness. It was my and my brother's duty to hang up the Christmas lights and make the yard look pretty while mom did her thing in the kitchen. Dad being dad, supervised and napped while it all happened around him. He always reminded me of a king at his court so it never bothered anyone much. He corralled the kids and supported my mother and did his part by generally staying out of her way.

I have been wondering how you celebrate a family holiday with a vital part of your family missing; it has plagued me for days, and to be honest, I have felt that this would be the hardest day we've had since the funeral. I had thought that I would go up to the TV station where many of my friends work last night and kind of draw strength from them. That was the plan anyway. You see, I don't have an actual office that I work out of where I live, I have no co-workers that I see daily, and no one really outside of the friends that I have made over the years that I feel close to. That is not to say that I am particularly close to those friends of mine at the station, but they are familiar, they know me, and for now, they are all I've got. I have known and been friends with most for about six years, and while I usually only socialize with them in groups or at parties, they are good to have around when you need to be cheered up.

So anyway, the plan was to spend some time forgetting about everything for a while, talk to one of my friends in particular that has recently found himself playing the role of caretaker (always need to offer support... it can be amazingly isolating), and generally try and cheer myself up briefly before i had to get home and try and sleep. As it turned out, it seems that Cindy still has a problem with my presence up there, and it quickly became obvious to me that TV guy didn't have the cajones to deal with her. It amazes me that someone that considers himself my best friend could be so callous. I have done everything I can to handle this situation with grace and class, it has been very hard to keep my temper in check when neither of them have shown any concern with how this all has played out. TV guy talks a great deal about being concerned about it, but at the end of the day, actions speak louder than words. I can see now the level of respect he must have for me, it is disheartening. The idea that she somehow has earned the right to play a victim in this, she, this person who as of yet hasn't found the spine to confront me... that I should at this time, this hellish time, have to consider her feelings about anything is beyond comprehension to me. So anyway, I hung up the phone completely disgusted with him and decided to just stay home. I've gotten through worse before, it's just 24 hours, I'll survive.

Anyway, enough complaining. I have a family, a home, food to eat, people willing to eat it. I have my heath and my sanity most of the time. I have a hell of a lot more than most people, and for that, I am thankful.

Things are happening the way that they are supposed to, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. I have a feeling that even the stuff with TV guy is playing out the way that it is supposed to, I guess only time will tell.


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