Hurricane Awareness

Hurricane season officially begins on June 1st. It's hard to believe that it's almost time to do it all over again! I have numerous friends that are still trying to rebuild from the last season.


One of those friends sent this to me last year, in classic gallows humor, as one of the many hurricanes that struck during the 2005 season was heading for her home. It made me laugh, I hope it does the same for you.

Important information about hurricane season:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological hints:

1. There is no need to panic.
2. We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Alabama/Florida.

If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll bet hit by "the big one". Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

Step 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
Step 2. Put these supplies into your car.
Step 3. Drive to Ohio and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Alabama/Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

1. It is reasonably well-built; and
2. It is located in Ohio.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Alabama or Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house, is in business. At any moment, this company may drop you like used dental floss.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Alabama" or "Florida", you live in a low-lying area.)

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Alabama and Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

• 23 flashlights.
• At least $167 worth of batteries that, when the power goes off, turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
• Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some.
• A 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
• A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
• A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane-----after the hurricane, there WILL BE irate alligators.)
• $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
  
  Of course, these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
  
  Good luck, and remember....it's great living in Paradise.