Friday, April 18, 2008

Week One: Down

Well, I made it through the week. Honestly, I've wondered more than once if I'm not hormonal... even though I shouldn't be.

Michael and I drove over to the apartment everyday to meet Jeff for lunch, time that I think we all needed, and time that helped me to adjust to not being able to talk to him anytime I wanted to. Throughout the course of the week, and as the result of a lot of introspection, I've realized a few things about the crappy way I've been feeling.

In the year and a half that Jeff has been back down here we've been able to talk basically as often and for as long as we've wanted to. We had to wait for so freakin' long to be together again (we lived in separate states, and at times countries, for three years) that the ability to actually look at each other became a novelty that hasn't worn off. I don't think it's going to. I think that when you have to fight as long and as hard as we did to be together, you're never able to take it for granted. Does that make sense?

Anyway, while we were both attempting to find employment we accepted menial jobs. Jobs so far below our educational and professional training that it would be laughable were it not so pathetic. In the ten months that we've had these jobs, we've been able to prop each other up, assist the other in our job search, talk and bitch and whine to the other about how hard working in those places for those wages are. When Jeff suddenly left that world and returned to a more normal existence, it left me behind in a way. Don't get me wrong, this job is amazing, neither of us is capable of creating a more perfect situation than the one he currently has. His salary is amazing, his potential for growth is incredible, his opportunity to make real and lasting changes that will make a real difference is unbelievable. I am so happy for him, for us, and for what this job means for all of us.

That being said, the selfish part of me is insanely jealous of this job. I miss having responsibility and a career that I can be proud of. Watching Jeff drive away to work, knowing that my day will consist of laundry, homeschooling (which I love), and pizza delivery was almost more than I could handle. It felt so isolating. Add to that the fact that because of the preliminary meetings (before he was hired), his normal cell minute package wasn't enough. It always had been up to that point, but this time, a week before the new month starts, he ran out of minutes. Because they charge an additional .40 cents for every minute over the amount he was allotted, we agreed to not use the phone unless it was an emergency.

So... lets recap: We can't talk as he's driving to work in the morning (which we've always done), we can't talk on his breaks or as he's driving home, we can't talk as I'm getting off work, all of a sudden we had to go from constant communication to NO communication. And it happened at the same time he started a new job and I felt left behind.

It's pathetic, and I know I'm whining. I'm sorry. I can't help it. I need to return to work so I have something else to think about, something else to focus on. We're ending the homeschool year pretty quickly and I think that this would be a great time for me to begin a new job.

He and I talked about it last night and I feel better about it today. Though it probably sounds like it, this isn't a co-dependency issue. I can function fine without him, and he without me. We had to for years. It's because we've had to that having to, even a little bit is really hard. He's my partner and my best friend. Somehow, I won the lottery. I think not wanting to share is understandable. He feels the same way, so much so that he made sure that Messenger was installed on his work computer. He can't get on very often, but as of Wednesday he's able to jump on for five minutes or so at a time and say hello. Apparently, this lack of communication was just as bad for him.

Anyway, we need to get married and get it over with. Living in separate houses, jumping back and forth between lives is just getting to be too hard. Never mind the gas prices! I'm hoping for a spring wedding. I'd be happy with this fall, but there just won't be time.

Anyway, everything is working out the way it needs to. I just need to trust that and be patient.


Blogger anne said...

I don't think your feelings are rare or strange at all. I remember times when I would be going off to work and be jealously irritated that my husband got to be home and sleeping in. I'd be so bad I'd call to wake him up and make him do work around the house, when I knew perfectly well that he had been up late working the night before.

I think it's ok that even when your head wants you to rejoice in his success, your heart feels left behind. You are acknowledging this and working on it and that is often the hardest part!

You WILL get an amazing job soon.

What about a winter wedding? Waiting is the worst...

10:41 AM  

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