Friday, May 26, 2006

Well... Shit!

It has been an interesting week. It would take way to long to explain everything that has happened, and frankly it probably wouldn't be all that interesting to anyone but me, so I'll just summarize.

An emotional event occurred that threw Agent C and I into a place that caused us to evaluate what we are to each other. He and I haven't been able to see each other for about a year and a half though we have exchanged daily emails that are typically three to five pages in length. We talk on the phone about once every three months and I think the shortest conversation we've ever had was about five hours. He, more than anyone else in my life was there for me during that horrible year of dad's life. I honestly just don't know what I would've done without him.

I tell you all of this only to illustrate that while we have not had physical contact we have remained very, very close. I have known that he holds a special place in my heart, but to be honest, until this past week I had not allowed myself to consider that it could ever be more.

He is still working out of the country at the moment, and while he has expressed a willingness to request a transfer to wherever I wind up moving, because I haven't determined what is happening with my job we have both been up in the air. To be honest, because that, it up until now has been a situation that was more of a wait and see what happens than anything else. I haven't really thought too much about what would happen should we ever get to the same place at the same time.

Anyway, the events of this past week have forced me to face how I feel about him and what he means to me. He and I have talked about it and neither of us are particularity happy about how important we have become to each other, neither of us really want the complication of a relationship right now, and neither of us really know what to do about it. How pathetic is that? Our jobs makes having a relationship a complication, not a bonus. And while I know that our careers are not as important as our personal lives, they are important.

The thing of it is, I've realized that I care more about him than I have ever cared about anyone in my life. I can't imagine my life without him in it and I don't want to. I can't believe that I can feel so strongly for him without having been able to spend regular time with him. I believe that I may have fallen in love with him when I wasn't paying attention and I want to know how in the hell that's possible.

Is it possible? When we did see each other regularly we were both in relationship with other people. How important is it to have that kind of contact?

We have agreed that the most important thing right now is that we figure out how to at least get in the same country and then focus on the same city. From there we'll take it as it comes.

This is really freaking me out. I am not happy about this. At all.


Blogger Dubs said...

It's too early for deep advice LOL but man that's hard. I would say think about what you really want. Although careers are important one day those go away and you're left with the peoplel you love. When life really boils down. And yes, it's possible to have a real connection with someone far away.

I wish I could help more. Don't freak out, may be you should just relax and take it for what it is.


7:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK....... Since when did you or this gentleman think life would be easy? I am sitting here doing the "happy dance" in my chair. Yippee and pass the food. I am aware that you know what love is and can become. I, also, know that love can be very wrong.
What does your heart tell you? I honestly think that both of you are "overt thinking" the whole thing.
Love each other. Feel the freshness and newness of loving and caring for someone other than family and friends.
Embrace love because nothing lasts forever.
Take a chance/risk with your life. That's what we do every day.

Love Ya and Always Support Ya...

Mom II

8:34 PM  

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